January 28th, 2016
I've been meaning to do this for some time. In all actuality I've been putting it off. For as long as I can remember I've been battling depression and self destructive urges. I've had this romantic fantasy of sharing the overwhelming doubt negativity in my head, only to be discovered after I'm gone. The thought of being a Sylvia Plath, Edgar Allan Poe, Or David Foster Wallace personality representing all the outcasts, weirdos and misfits seems more than appealing but the fact of the matter is for every one of these depressed creative geniuses there are thousands if not millions that although are in real pain and using it to fuel creativity very few have the charisma and talent to make the grade.. most of us simply are forgotten making the pain nothing more than an annoyance to those around us... I'm more than likely one of those.. However on the off chance my lot In life may inspire one day I suppose I'll share what very well be my final thoughts while inhabiting this planet.
Today was a particularly shitty day. My 1999 Chevy Venture piece of shit van broke down at the end of a two and a half week house/ cat sitting venture that was concluded with insults and attitude.. The individual that asked me to watch the apartment and cats was arriving just after midnight and asked me to pick them up from the airport.. I had no problem with this and was happy to help. I was very appreciative that I had a place to stay, did I mention since I moved to the Bay area about a year ago I've had no real home to speak of and have been sleeping at the tattoo studio I work at in my MUSEUM OF THE MACABRE among the death and ghostly apperitions as my only company...Anyway, her car was at the apartment and with my vehicle being out of commission I was asked to use hers.. Well just to make a shitty day worse I was met with a dead battery in the car... My friend threw what could only be described as a tantrum as if it was somehow my fault her shitty car battery was out of commission. I actually was fed the line "well it worked when I left" and "why didn't you check if the car was running?" Gee I'm sorry you have a shitty undependable vehicle... Yeah that's my fault let me be your whipping boy.. really I don't mind... She ended up calling Lyft despite the fact that I found somone that lived by the airport willing to pick her up and in turn would rive me back to the haunted museum. I ended up on my own to find a ride, which I did. On the way to my resting place I get an angry text message accusing me of not cleaning the litter boxes. .. Funny I just cleaned them earlier that evening and made a point of vacuuming and cleaning because I wanted her to come home to a comfortable apartment after a long trip... Maybe it was the fact that she expected all the glass/surface cleaning to be done with vinegar rather than actual glass cleaner.. probably for some kind of bat shit bay area reasoning that Windex is somehow racist or tests on animals... who knows?... Long story short after a long day I really didn't need a tantrum and meltdown after only trying to help and be nice. Oh well that familiar feeling of being unappreciated... an all to common occurrence these days.. Maybe when I'm gone it will be different, maybe not . So yeah.. today was a shitty day... end of story for now... Why do I get the feeling things are in a nosedive and will only be getting worse.. time will tell.....oh well fuck it!